I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
