What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
