Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
