Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Randomize
