i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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