did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
