Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
