i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
