I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
