How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
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We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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