Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
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