Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
