That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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