Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
