I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
