it was like his penis was on wheels.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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