well I can't set my house on fire every night
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
