I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
pray to the hookup gods
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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