Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Randomize
