no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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