we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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