My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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