i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
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