You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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