The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
