I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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