nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
