why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
