How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
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