My room smells like vodka and shame
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Randomize
