Will you blow on my dice?
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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