It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
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