They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Randomize
