I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
