I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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