I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
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