i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Randomize
