Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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