why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
