dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Randomize
