just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
