my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
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