Your mouth is God's brothel.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
