I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
