My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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