I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
