Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
