Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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