Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
