does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
