i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Lo siento on account of my penis...
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Randomize
