I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
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