remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
You left your phone here
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