i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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