I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
