Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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