I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
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