Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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